Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!