[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Follow me for more life hacks.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that