Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
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There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
How it started How it’s going
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Ain’t no way
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.