Doggies just call it style.
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me hooking up with my ex
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.