My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.