Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.


Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit


Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy


Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.


I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.