Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
You Might Also Like
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
me opening up to someone
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.