Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”