“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.