Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words