Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
bury ourselves
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”