Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds