Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf