Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you