Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead