Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
❤️🦆
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping