Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”