Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
i hate you platonically
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.