Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My flabber has been gasted.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive