Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?