Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.