Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
This probably isn’t good
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.