[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?