Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
You Might Also Like
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.