Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Lmfao
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan