Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
just leave it at the foot of the bed