Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You Might Also Like
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.