doing your own taxes
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
<- sleeps well with others
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.