@maobabie

doing your own taxes

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@RobWeb79

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@EndhooS

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

@MrJeberling

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

@SoLongStephen

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

@bodybycheezits

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.