doing your own taxes

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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.


You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.


“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.


Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.


“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!


If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.


[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian


[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire


SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.