doing your own taxes
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
You know…for fall…
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.