doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Thursday
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….