doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.