[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
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me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
adam and eve had first world problems
Breaking news:
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
this country is so goddamn polarized
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up