Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
When he asks for feet pics
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
crazy