Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?