Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it