Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
just make the entire table out of coaster
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[eulogy]
line?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Mornin. * use accordingly
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!