Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
? 💀
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
#Caturday
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: