Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.