Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish