Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”