Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN