DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…