Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!