@TopherKearby

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

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@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@offbeatoliv

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

@DanMentos

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

@Tmoney68

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@Laser_Cat

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

@bwebster76

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

@GrantTanaka

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

@ka_waltz

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra