Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
So glad we cleared that up
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!