[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you