Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
You Might Also Like
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I think this cat is broken
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.