Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
3% human
97% stress
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know