Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Hot Hot Hot

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

monday

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.