Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
🤣🤣🤣
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*