Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes