Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

how long have you had this for?

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative