donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
a god among men
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm