“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
lol
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Candles never taste the way they smell
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..