Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
the battle rages on
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.