Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime